“Allergy Mom:” A Title I Never Wanted

We’re told to introduce allergens “early and often.” But given no guidance on how. We’re told this method gives the best chance of children NOT developing allergies. But given no guidance on what to do if there is a reaction. So when my seven-month-old developed hives after eating peanut butter, and then again after eating eggs, I was lost.

I’m a stay-at-home mom, and introduced both foods when I was home alone with her, nervous about allergens, but hoping for the best. My husband also has food allergies, and so while we were trying to heed the early introduction advice, we had anxiety around it. Peanut butter landed us in the ER out of an abundance of caution, and we went home with a baby-sized EpiPen (which still feels way too huge for her). Eggs got a call to the pediatrician and home monitoring for the hives to go down. Both ended with me scared to feed her anything.

Since then, we’ve been to the allergist twice to test and retest for both allergens. Both lit up positive each time. And each time, my heart sunk more.

(If you’re curious, I go into more detail on her reactions and trips to the allergist in this post.)

The wave of emotions

I was not surprised at the first test. After all, I’d seen the havoc written all over her tiny body. But seven months later, my hopes were up for the retest, and it hurt that our world wouldn’t be changing any time soon.

What hit first was the disappointment. I was disappointed that we would have to continue to be cautious, continue to remind our families and friends of her allergies, continue to renew her EpiPen just in case. I was disappointed that my own diet wouldn’t be able to change. That my husband’s couldn’t either.

Then came the fear. Knowing that there are such common foods that could cause her so much harm weighs on my mind. It terrifies me to think about her sleeping over at someone’s house, of eating anything potluck style, of being at the park with kids eating PB&Js. I can rid my world of eggs and peanuts, but I can’t rid the whole world of them.

Lastly (and somehow simultaneously), the guilt took over. How can I be so selfish to think about myself? Why can’t I protect her from everything? Shouldn’t I be doing something besides wanting to bury my head in the sand? I started to retreat inward and while I was doing it to try and process, the only thing I could think was that she doesn’t deserve a mom who sinks into a depressive state whenever something happens.

Holding space for everyone’s feelings

I have big feelings, and have not yet mastered hiding them. So it’s hard for me to not put my feelings first. But it’s not just me and my feelings I need to be thinking about. My daughter, while she is too young to understand that there are foods out there she cannot eat, just went through a possibly traumatic experience. Allergy testing consists of being poked with needles and breaking out in controlled reactions, which are painful and itchy.

At least in our case, Reagan did very well with the tests, and while she needed some extra snuggles, wasn’t too bothered by anything. My husband, on the other hand, also needed time to process. I mentioned that he also has food allergies. It’s something that he wouldn’t wish on anyone, let alone his daughter, and I know that he has complicated feelings about the possible genetic link to food allergies.

Holding space for his feelings is not easy when mine already take up so much room, but here are a few things I try to do:

• Ask up front what’s on his mind and whether or not he’s still processing.
• Let him know in his own love language that I’m here for him.
• Name my own feelings out loud.
• Talk about what I need to do to help process my emotions.

The most important thing that my husband and I do for each other is to remain a team. It’s us against the problem, and as cliche as it sounds, just reminding each other that we’re both in the trenches really helps.

Keeping a positive mindset

Even with someone by my side, the first hurdle to get over is mindset. I’m still trying to find an “easy button” to solve this one for myself, but I’ve found that a few mantras help me.

• At least we know and have the tools to help her.
• I’m allowed to be disappointed.
• I cannot control this situation, but I can control my reaction to it.
• This isn’t a life sentence.

There is always a way through things. Sometimes, it’s not the clear path that we would have wanted. Sometimes, there are unexpected bumps along the way. But I’m learning to lean into those bumps, and while being an allergy mom is not something that I wanted for myself, it’s a role I accept.