Is Burnout in Motherhood Inevitable?

Burn out. It seems to be the biggest buzzword in motherhood. A description of how we feel after spending a full day of feeding, bathing, changing, playing with, and carting around littles. When we have no time left to ourselves to recharge, and instead face a looming crash at the end of the day, knowing that we have to get up and do it all again in the morning.

But are you really burnt out? Wait, wait. Don’t leave just yet. Hear me out.

Are you really burnt out?

Or maybe, our society values disassociating over fostering real connection.

Here’s what I mean: When I feel checked out, the first thing I do is reach for my phone. I scroll through Instagram, and I watch reels of other mothers who are feeling the same way that I am. Annoyed. Overstimulated. Frustrated. And it validates me. These other women feel that way, too, so that must be how motherhood is meant to be.

And while I’m doing this, while I’m disconnecting, my daughter is getting frustrated that she cannot get my attention the way she wants to. These are the moments when she starts to really push boundaries. To figure out what she needs to do to get me to notice her. And then…my mood takes a nosedive.

Why isn’t she listening to me? Why won’t she let me have a moment of peace? Why does she always do this?

She’s just doing what she’s programmed to do, which is to want to be around me. But still I blame her for the way that I’m feeling.

Let’s take a second and think about that. How would you feel if you as a child knew your own parents placed that on you? How would you really feel? Like a problem? Like a burden?

Now I’m not trying to give anyone guilt here. I think it’s important that we take these thoughts captive and try to get to the bottom of them. We get stuck in this cycle of never feeling quite relaxed enough, or motivated enough, or fulfilled enough. And we are fed this narrative that it’s because of our kids.

What if we got all of those things from our kids?

Instead of trying to run away and disconnect from our life, let’s steer into the skid. Lean into the connection that our children crave from us. That they frankly need from us.

Because let’s face it: we are everything to our children. They don’t know anything outside of us, and they will base everything in their life against how they are being raised. (The good news here is there are a million “right” ways to raise kids!)

But it means that it’s our job to make sure they’re connecting the way they need to. And in the process, they’ll give us the connection that we need, too. One that doesn’t come from a phone.

They’ll inevitably teach us to slow down. Be more adventurous. Appreciate the little things. To enjoy each other’s company.

Now this doesn’t mean that we are meant to entertain our children 24/7. But connection and entertainment are different. As mothers, we need to find ways to recharge with our children. We need to draw inspiration and joy from them, otherwise we will truly burn out, and we will lose that connection with them.

Our kids are not going anywhere.

We will be mothers for the rest of our lives. Let’s jump in headfirst.

I have two ways of doing this. First, I invite my daughter into what I’m doing during the day. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping. I try to get her actively involved. Second, I let her invite me into what she’s doing. Exploring the yard or house, doing a puzzle, coloring, whatever she wants. And I get actively involved. We eat all of our meals together and we get ready together in the morning, too.

Making her an active part of our household and an active part in her life and care has made a world of difference. Instead of “what am I supposed to do with Reagan while I do that?” I ask myself “how can she safely get involved and help?”

Sometimes, she doesn’t want to, sure. But at those times I still try to have her near enough to me that she feels involved. It typically looks like giving her a snack at the counter while I unload the dishwasher, or letting her run around the bedroom while I put clothes away. She’ll jump in if she wants to, but no pressure.

I’ve tried this the other way. Been in a “I just need to clean the kitchen” mindset and tried setting her up in front of the TV or with a Pinterest mom activity. But she doesn’t last long because she wants to be near me. And it’s more frustrating trying to get her to stay put than it is to just let her into my space.

It’s a delicate line, I know.

Being a mom is not easy. Meals, naps, school, sports, groceries, laundry. It falls on us a lot (especially if you’re a stay-at-home mom.)

But those things won’t go away no matter what. So the only other option is to change our mindset. Don’t accept the narrative that you’re supposed to be burned out. You’ll have bad days. But just like we’re teaching our children to be active parts in their own life, we also need to be active parts of ours.

What little things do you do to take charge of your day?